̶s̶u̶n̶d̶a̶y̶ ̶m̶o̶n̶d̶a̶y̶ ̶ all week scaries
not just reserved for the first two days of the week anymore
11 february 2022
i have no idea where the term “sunday scaries” came from, and to be honest, i had no idea what it meant at first. then eventually, it just clicked. and when it did, it wasn’t fun.
at first, it was not doing my skincare routine at night. then not doing it the next morning. i stayed in bed for an extra 5 minutes, then 30, then 2 hours. i scrolled through tiktok for hours at a time. and eventually, i got out of bed to lay on the couch in the living room.
the impending doom of the day was supplemented with doom scrolling. i was spiraling into burnout and an immense depression without even realizing it.
if you’re new here, welcome!! i’m so happy and thankful that you’re here. and if you’re not, hi!! i’m so grateful you’re still here.
the last few weeks have been tough (as it is for everyone), and i hope that our little corner of the internet (this newsletter lol) can serve as a reminder that you’re not alone in feeling this way.
in this article, i talk about the realities of remote working, societal + familial pressures, and what i’m (kind of) doing to feel better.
working from home is not for the faint of heart
before the pandemic, working from home was a luxury. wearing your pajamas, slippers, and having a blanket wrapped around you in your (maybe) cozy space while typing your “good morning!” slack message felt new. it felt different. and we all like different.
after nearly two years of this- i’m seriously considering either:
revamping my entire desk setup (expensive, so no) or
leasing an office space (also expensive, so no).
i miss commuting to an office via train, having to avoid eye contact with strangers, having the confidence to make hard eye contact with strangers who stare at me, and intentionally staring at people’s footwear to gauge what their personalities were like.
i learned that you have to have tough skin when working remotely, because it means more…
time spent understanding a slack message 🥲
more time spent trying to solve a problem 😶
even more time spent trying to find a workaround to something that was accidentally miscommunicated 😐
it’s easy to get lost in my own head, and it doesn’t help that i’m overthinking about using proper punctuation and grammar, overthinking about my tone, overthinking about if i’m saying is easily digestible, overthinking about what emoji to use to convey my gen z vibe — anyway.
we’re our own worst critic, and it can get overwhelming, but just send the damn message already it’ll be worth it lol
my mom is living in my head
if you know… you know.
i haven’t lived with my mom in over two years, and it’s been interesting to see how our words intertwine with each other in every way. her words of discouragement live in my mind rent free, and are hand-in-hand with my imposter syndrome. it’s hard to believe that someone is truly rooting for you when a conversation with your own mom goes like this:
me: i wanna make 100K this year!
mom: 100K this year?
me: yup!
mom: are you sure? i don’t think you’ll get there. don’t work too hard.
it’s interesting how trauma experienced from a young age can fester into behaviors in your adulthood, and i don’t think enough people speak about it.
have you had a conversation with a person that consistently talks over you and interrupts? or maybe you cry every single time you’re confronted or faced with an issue, even if the person isn’t screaming or reprimanding you in any way. orrrr you try to figure things out on your own (even if it’s detrimental) because you don’t want to bother anyone.
i learned from mark wolynn not too long ago (like, less than a year ago), that your caregivers were learning how to survive their lives while you were figuring out how to survive yours.
it’s not your fault that you ended up this way. at the same time, no one should be reprimanding you for operating differently than they do. to learn more about inherited family trauma, i highly recommend wolynn’s book.
feeling as if i’m not doing enough to satisfy the needs of others
this is common feeling that people working in tech (lol) experience, feeling as if they’re not doing enough, not going the extra mile, not being a go getter.
i think it’s about time we let off some steam and cut each other some slack, and remind ourselves that we’re working under extreme conditions right now.
we’re in the middle of a pandemic and we can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. wordle is taking over my twitter feed, kanye’s literally going insane, and someone on WSJ let a woman write about how she’s NEVER taking her shoes off in someone’s house.
on a serious note, you’re doing your best. even if you don’t think so, i think so. and you only need one person to tell you a good thing to keep going. you purely existing is enough. like mr. rogers said, you don’t have to do anything or change anything about yourself to be special.
if you’ve made it to the end of this newsletter; holy smokes! these always tend to get really long and feel like a ramble (but a good ramble).
i hope you were able to resonate with these feelings— i would love to know what you think. feel free to send me a twitter dm or respond to this email with your thoughts, questions, concerns, anything. we don’t all have to be pixels on a screen.
also quick thing before i sign off;
micah and i are hosting our bi-weekly we’re not really strangers session tonight (feb 11, 8:30pm EST) on his discord server. to learn more about it and join in, check out his tweet.
sending love and good vibes for the weekend ♡
xx jira