2024, can you slow down? thanks
the year of saying no, setting up boundaries, and reconnecting with myself again
15 february 2024
hey, friends. it’s been awhile since we last chatted (per usual).
lately, i’ve been going through the motions of life: working again, taking care of myself, and (un)fortunately saying no to a lot of things that don’t make me happy.
as i’m navigating my mid-twenties, i’m learning a lot about myself, what i want, and what i need from those around me — in addition to the daily rotting and imposter syndrome and telling myself that i’m not good enough for the things i work hard for like friends and community.
in this newsletter, i’m going to be talking about saying no, setting boundaries for myself, and how i’m working to move forward after friend breakups.
saying “no” is the hardest thing for me
if you know me, you know that i’m practically down for anything. need a place to cry? sure. need someone to listen to your deepest darkest secrets? i’m on it. want to come over practically unannounced? absolutely.
a lot of the time, i’m sticking my leg out for those that i care about, regardless of how long we’ve known each other. in my head, it’s so much easier to help a friend out even if my heart, mind, and body say no, instead of feeling guilty for not taking the time to help, fearing that they’d think of me as a bad person.
everyone wants to be known as a good friend, person, or partner, and when the person you want to have a relationship with starts to grow cold and distant, you begin to wonder what you did that was so wrong.
in my most recent case, i was the one who was distant and cold, but not for the reasons one might expect. i often, more than not, put my own feelings aside and prioritize everyone else’s feelings instead, which answered the “am i a good person?” question (yes), but at what cost? (my mental health)
when i’m not my usual bubbly self, i’m cold and distant. but when i’m cold and distant, i’m made to be the bad guy. which begs the question, who even am i?
while i’m working my way up to getting comfortable with saying no, i’m reevaluating who i am outside of the support character that i’m more commonly known for at the same time.
not everyone can be my friend
my friend groups are becoming more solidified and permanent the older i get. being away from my parents and not having the best relationship with my extended family further amplifies the idea that my friends are becoming my family.
recently, i told someone that i was willing to work with them to rebuild our friendship. i later realized that my body and mind weren’t up for that. after about a week, i removed them from my social media accounts and everything seemingly blew up in flames. i had to remind myself that it was completely okay to change my mind, even if it seemed really selfish and uncalled for. there were things that lead up to it, like crying every few days for months, and staying up late figuring out what to do.
i’m always open to making new friends. i don’t think i ever want to close that door. but i’m becoming a lot more selective with how i spend my time. do i want to give a new friend multiple chances to show up as their best selves? selfishly, not really. and there’s nothing wrong with knowing what kind of friend you want, just like how there’s nothing wrong if you find that you’re not compatible with a particular person.
if i was living in the perfect world, i’d love to be friends with everyone. but i learned that i suck up people’s energies like it’s my lifeline. i’m constantly taking in everyone’s emotions and hardships, and then questioning why people don’t ever do the same for me. it’s a never ending cycle.
i spent a lot of my life stuck in the “why me” stage, always asking myself why i was treated the way i was, and the answer was quite simple: i was saying yes too often, and not saying no enough.
how i’m moving forward
honestly, it genuinely doesn’t feel like i’m making any progress at all. i feel like i’m floating in place, just taking everything one step at a time while getting sick of doing things one thing at a time. not having instant gratification is soooo grrrrrr!!!? you know?
i haven’t taken care of myself in a long while, but i’m taking preemptive measures by scheduling nail and hair appointments in advance, allocating finances for my wishlist, stretching and moving my body, eating the things i want to eat, reminding myself that i’m not responsible for how other people feel about me, and most importantly, saying no to interacting with people when i feel like i’m forcing myself to.
i’ve also been reading a lot about friendships lately, and recently finished unfuck your friendships by faith g. harper. it’s been really eye opening (and comforting, almost) to learn that a lot of people have a really hard time navigating friendships. it makes me feel less alone, if i’m being honest. when i first started reading it, i thought to myself, “i already know these things!” but it’s packed with so many reminders in a digestible way. i highly recommend it.
i’d be lying if i said my most recent friendship breakup hasn’t affected my work and personal life. there’s simply no equation to grieve it in a way that’s fast and effective. but going through the motions is all i can really do at the moment, and that’s okay (i guess).
if you got to the end of this newsletter, thanks so much again for reading about my ramblings. it truly means the world to me to know that you all can relate to me in some way shape or form.
a question for you: how do you navigate friendship breakups? what does your process look like when it happens? how do you feel afterward?
til next time,
janjira x