Self Doubt and Imposter Syndrome– The Enemy of It All
How I'm coping with the realities of finding a job and addressing my darkest emotions.
05 November 2020
Hi. It’s been a few months (more like seven) since I hit up your email inbox.
For all the new subscribers— hi again!! Thank you so much for subscribing and ever so willing to follow my journey… or whatever adulthood is. I appreciate each and every one of you (even if I don’t send out a newsletter daily, like a normal person should).
For the nth time since I’ve started this newsletter (and how I start every damn newsletter), a ton has happened over the last seven months— quarantine, resorting to cutting off friends and family, getting furloughed (twice), the crazy election… it’s all coming down together faster than I or anyone had ever anticipated.
For the rest of 2020, I’m aiming to (hopefully?!) hone my writing skills again by sending out weekly newsletters, and it’s going to be a bit different this time around. Instead of offering just self reflections, I’m going to try to provide you with some insights and actionable steps that I’ve taken, and hopefully you can take them too.
In this week’s newsletter, I’m going to be talking about how I cope with the feelings of self doubt and that shitty thing called imposter syndrome during a time of uncertainty. It’s going to be a long one, so strap yourselves in 🤓
Imposter Syndrome is so fucking real— but temporary.
You’ve heard of it, you’ve read about it, but have you ever felt it?
I’ve read Steal Like An Artist a number of times, albeit inspiring, I never quite understood what it was like to feel as if I didn’t belong in a group of people— what was it like to feel a block?
To realize someone else had already executed the same idea that you thought was so original?
To endlessly write and empty your dump of a brain of all the ideas you could possibly come up with to not even execute them because of the fear of judgement from people who couldn’t even really give a damn?
Anyway, I finally experienced imposter syndrome for the first time while freelancing.
I came to an understanding that imposter syndrome stints were temporary— I’d feel like shit for not being able to create something extraordinary but would feel great when I created something new and completely out of my comfort zone; like learning Figma more than your average copywriter.
As you could probably tell— I’ve been cooking up a few different things on Figma; wallpapers, Instagram carousels, ~cool, shareable text posts~, presentations, even my resume was created on Figma for God’s sake!? I quite literally can’t get enough of Figma, like ever.
It’s so incredibly fun creating and learning a program that a ton of people use in the industry that I want to participate in while being unemployed. It keeps my mind off of the impending doom that is debt and seasonal depression (lol, real talk tho? fuck SAD).
I know everyone says it, but once you get into the groove of things, your flow state, you literally can’t stop working. I’ve linked an article I came across about flow state— what it is, how to get there, and why you should get there.
If you’ve ever wanted to create something new that doesn’t even relate to what your career path is, then this is your sign! It doesn’t ever hurt to learn something new, and you never know, maybe it could be what you’ve been looking for all along.
If self doubt comments on your actions, just eat them 😌
A play on words inspired by Amy Lee’s latest video. Self doubt is the number one killer of creativity— but I don’t need to be the one telling you that since you probably hear that everyday from Jack Butcher or Gary Vaynerchuk, but they aren’t wrong. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I’ve tried my fair share of things during 2020—
Purchased ProCreate and drew Among Us characters and drew gif stickers for Instagram stories (didn’t ship)
Mocked up a sticker not realizing it loosely was inspired by Ram Dass (shipped with Micah’s help)
Tried creating a website that I thoroughly would like for my portfolio (didn’t ship)
Recorded myself doing a multitude of things to compile into a YouTube video (didn’t ship)
Did my friend’s nails for a period of time, wanted to start up a nail IG account (didn’t ship)
There were so many other things that I tried to ship but didn’t. As you know, you are your own worst critic, but I hope you remember that the things that don’t ship don’t define your self worth or your credentials.
You’re doing better than you think, and hopefully, that should be more than enough to keep you going. If not, it’s always okay to look up and lean on the people you look up to or feel comfortable opening up to.
Some folks I look to for support, exploration, answers, or inspiration—
Jamees Bedford — Daniela Estefanía — Angela Li
I have watched Jamees, Daniela, and Angela grow as individuals this year despite coming from different backgrounds and on different career paths.
They’re becoming increasingly more open to their audiences about their emotions and worries, and I think that they’re some of the most inspiring people that I’ve come across.
Their sheer willpower to make an imprint on this world, their positivity, and their open minds have really helped me during this time of self loathing and doubt, and they will constantly be people that I look up to when I’m feeling down on myself.
Holes are meant to be filled.
This year, I have dug the deepest holes of self loathing for myself. I placed myself lower than others, and constantly asked myself, “What am I doing wrong to not get X opportunity?”
As far as I knew, I ticked off all of the boxes— updated my portfolio, cold reached, created bonds with people that I never thought I would have (shoutout to the team @ Interface Lovers Mag + The League of Moveable Type), and built the strongest bonds within my career and personal life than I have ever created in my lifetime.
I started to get tired. I got tired of everyone telling me the same thing, “You can do this”, “The next opportunity is right around the corner”, “You’ll get the next one!” Being hopeful without any sort of turnaround is tiring. In the midst of all of this overwhelming positivity, I was ashamed that I started to grow a bit of resentment towards all of the kind individuals around me.
I won’t dive any deeper into the thoughts that I’ve had, but I will tell you this much— addressing the problem is always the first step to healing.
If you ended up reading this far, then I hope that you enjoyed this newsletter about how I cope with my negative feelings that might eventually make me implode lol!! ♡
If you’d like to keep in touch with me (or idk, get me a job opportunity? <3), feel free to shoot me a DM via Instagram or Twitter, or if you’re old school, then email me— janjiratsun@gmail.com!
Thank you so much for reading, and I’ll talk to you next week 🎉
— J ♡